


tell me when

by orphan_account



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Consent Issues, Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm (Past), Married Couple, Reunion Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 16:13:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9393035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: They’ve never explicitly talked about it, but they have an understanding that when Tyler gets home during tour breaks, the first night is Jenna’s to do with as she sees fit.Tyler and Jenna learn to juggle depression and intimacy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure where this came from, but i hope you guys like it
> 
> warnings: swearing, some sexual content, discussion of past self-harm, discussion of current depression. nothing too graphic, but stay safe, babes.
> 
> *if you're worried, go to the end notes for information about the "consent issues" tag before you read.
> 
> disclaimer applies: i don't own anyone in this fic and am not profiting off this work.

They’ve never explicitly talked about it, but they have an understanding that when Tyler gets home during tour breaks, the first night is Jenna’s to do with as she sees fit.  Sometimes that means she lines their bedroom with candles and they kiss for ages, touching gently and humming into each other’s skin until she lets him make love to her, holding back so they can come at the same time.  Other times they fuck hard and fast, Jenna on top and pinning Tyler down by the shoulders just to hear him whine.  Those nights Jenna is ruthless, not letting him get off until she’s already come three times.

Tonight she wants a little bit of both.  She hasn’t seen her husband in nearly four months – their longest separation since they started dating four years ago – and she’s itching to get her hands on him.  As much as Jenna wants to take and mark and hear him squeak, she wants to kiss him softly, too.  She’ll find a happy medium…she always does.

When Tyler comes out of the bathroom, he’s smiling at her with tired eyes.  “I missed you, babe,” he whispers, flopping gracelessly onto the bed next to her.  He’s tiny, but the whole thing still shakes under the weight of him.  “Tour sucks.”

“No, it doesn’t,” Jenna disagrees, laughing a little.  Separation sucks, long-distance relationships suck, and sleeping alone sucks…but tour?  Tour does _not_ suck and Tyler knows it.  “You’re a damn liar, boy.”

He shrugs sheepishly, his shoulder knocking into hers.  “Okay _fine_ ,” he says, his mouth curving up a bit.  “You’re right.  It’s just hard not seeing you for so long.”

“So why are you so far away, then?” she says and it’s a joke, but it’s also not.  She loops her fingers around one of his skinny wrists, pulling him in close.  He goes easily, turning on his side so he can look down at her, his eyes soft and so brown.  He’s beautiful and Jenna wants to kiss him more than anything.  Before she does, she runs a finger over the smattering of hair growing on his jawline and asks, “Too tired?” because it’s important.  The last thing she wants to do is push him when he just needs to sleep.

Despite the dark circles under his eyes and the slight tremors running through his fingers, he shakes his head.  “I’m fine,” he promises.  “I want you.”

That’s all Jenna needs and she grins widely, sliding her fingers into the back of his hair – now too short to tug at – and pulling him down to meet her.  Kissing him after four months is so overwhelming, so _good_ that Jenna’s stomach swoops almost immediately.  She squeezes her legs together.  She just _wants_ so much.

Tyler responds right away, humming low in his throat as he kisses her back.  His fingers fiddle with the hem of her shirt before he thinks better of it and tangles them into her hair instead.  First nights belong to Jenna – she takes her clothes off when she wants to, if at all. 

But she’s too keyed-up to make him wait tonight.  Trying to keep some semblance of control, she strips him down first, tossing his clothes to the floor and sucking a mark into his soft belly before she so much as touches her own pajamas.  But as soon as Tyler is bare and bruised, Jenna’s clothes are off like a flash.  Playing hard to get is fun sometimes, but she just can’t do it right now.

Breathlessly, she presses Tyler into the mattress, settling herself over him so they’re chest-to-chest.  They kiss like that for a while, Jenna slowly grinding against his thigh, but something feels off.  Tyler’s kissing back, even moaning periodically, but his hands are resting on her back, completely still.  And not still like he’s waiting for her to take the reins…still like he’s sleeping.  Jenna can feel that he’s not hard yet, not even close, so finally she pulls away.  “Ty?” she asks curiously, looking down at him with her eyebrows pulled together.  “Are you sure you wanna do this?”

“What?” Tyler says, flinching like she’s surprised him.  Then he looks away.  “Yeah, I said I do.”

That’s not good enough.  Jenna sits up, perching on his stomach so she can really see him.  “But do you actually?” she demands, making sure her voice stays quiet and gentle.  “And don’t lie to me.”

Tyler’s throat convulses as he swallows hard, staring up at the ceiling.  Jenna lays a hand on his chest to comfort him, palm lying flat between his tattoos.  His heart is racing beneath his skin.  After a couple seconds of silence, Tyler speaks, his voice so small she can barely hear it.  “No,” he admits, squeezing his eyes shut tight.  “I don’t want to.”

It makes Jenna want to cry, but not for herself.  For her husband who was apparently too afraid to tell her no. 

“Baby,” she murmurs and her voice is almost anguished.  She climbs off him, laying down at his side and propping herself up on her elbow so she can see his face.  His eyes are still closed.  “Baby, why wouldn’t you say so?  I wouldn’t be mad…you know that, right?”

“I know,” Tyler whispers and he’s trembling, hands clutching at the bedsheets as if they’ll anchor him.  They don’t seem to be doing a very good job.  “I’m just all messed up.”

Jenna frowns.  “What do you mean?” she asks, wanting so badly to hold him but not knowing if it’ll be welcome.  “Can you tell me what’s going on?”

When Tyler finally opens his eyes, they’re wet.  He wipes at them discreetly and Jenna looks away, pretending to be distracted by picking at the duvet so he can have privacy to pull himself together.  She doesn’t look up again until she hears Tyler take a shaky breath and feels him brush his fingers against her hip.  “It’s getting bad again,” he says and it shudders as it passes his lips.  “It’s so bad and I can’t fix it.”

She doesn’t say anything, just holds his hand in hers and lets him take his time.  Her heart aches.

When Tyler’s ready, he continues.  “It’s like I’m…empty?  Or something.  There’s nothing inside me anymore – it just feels like hollow, open space.  It’s like, I wanna joke around with Mark or climb all over Josh or feel music all the way down in my stomach, but I just can’t.  I’m nothing.”  He turns onto his side so they’re facing each other, their noses only a few inches apart.  “It’s so much different from when I was a kid…back then I had _too much_ in me, you know?  Like there was so much sadness and fear and anger that I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t get it out.  Most of the time screaming was enough, but sometimes I had to bleed it out.”  He sniffs, hard.  “It really hurt.”

Jenna’s crying at this point, desperately grabbing at her husband’s waist and pulling him in, hoping to God he won’t flinch away.  He doesn’t and she whimpers, just once and high-pitched, murmuring his name like it’s the only word she knows.  “ _Tyler_ ,” she breathes.  “ _Tyler_.”

“It’s okay,” he assures her, wiping a stray tear from her cheek with his thumb.  “I’m not gonna hurt myself.  It’s not like that anymore.  I just can’t…feel anything.”

Now it’s Jenna’s turn to take a shuddering breath, trying to ground herself.  “So it makes it difficult to have sex,” she sums it up for him, four years of loving Tyler making it easy for her to tell when he needs to be brought back.  He gets lost so quickly.  “And you don’t want it, anyway.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, the dim light of their bedroom unable to hide the redness that’s spreading over his cheeks.  Jenna kisses them like it’ll ease the embarrassment.  “Haven’t gotten myself off in months.”

Tyler’s skin is smooth and warm under Jenna’s hands as she rubs them up and down his back soothingly.  “You could’ve told me,” she says, but it’s gentle.  He was scared – she’ll never, _ever_ be mad at him for that.  “I would’ve understood.”

“Guess I just felt bad.”  He finally closes the gap between them, burying his face in her naked chest.  Jenna thinks he’s hiding.  “Felt like a horrible husband."

A wave of fierce and fire-hot protectiveness washes over Jenna and she buries her fingers in Tyler’s close-cropped hair, clutching him to her body.  “Not possible,” she spits, disgusted at the very idea.  “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and _nothing_ – not a single damn thing – could ever change that.”

Tyler’s lips move against her skin when he mumbles, “Even if I can’t ever—again?”

“Even then,” she promises and she means it so vehemently it’s like her body is on fire with it.  Undeterred by the tears she can feel dripping down between her breasts, she coaxes Tyler from his hiding spot, a hand on each of his burning cheeks.  “I love you so fucking much.”

“Oh _god_ ,” Tyler chokes out and it sounds a lot more like praying than swearing.  “I love y- _you_!”

Then they fall together, noses colliding and lips meeting clumsily and fingers quivering on shoulders and cheeks and in hair.  Tyler tastes salty like tears and there’s snot dripping from his nose, but she doesn’t care, just presses closer until she can feel every inch of him against her body.  They stay like that until they’re too tired to keep on, Tyler turning his back to her in a silent plea.  Smiling to herself, Jenna spoons up behind him, slinging an arm around his waist so she can pet at his belly.  She knows there’s a lot they need to talk about – Tyler can’t go through this without professional help, not again – but right now the important thing is sleep. 

That in mind, Jenna kisses the back of his neck and tightens her grip around his skinny hips.  She knows she can’t protect him from everything, and especially not from his own head, but she _can_ love him.  And that’s exactly what she’s going to do.

So the next morning when Tyler is hard from sleep and groaning in frustration as he bucks desperately into her hand, chasing an orgasm that is permanently out of reach, Jenna murmurs _I love you I love you I love you_ into his sweaty skin until he cries.  “Oh _god_ ,” he prays again, weeping.  “Oh _god_.”

**Author's Note:**

> *the consent issues: tyler doesn't feel like he can tell jenna no, but she picks up on his body language and stops immediately. a discussion of consent follows and it's all very gentle and loving and patient. nothing bad happens, but i thought i'd warn you just in case it might be triggering for you.


End file.
